Three ghastly dates with two atrocious people.

So I have decided to catch people up on my life and what I’m doing. Well, in this case not doing. I’m not dating right now, I like to say I’m getting back to me, but in all honesty I can’t handle the whores, lies, and all around bat shit craziness of the people I’ve dated in the last couple months.

My first “date” in over 13 years was back in February of 2011. I write “date” in quotes because gawd damn he was a hawt mess. I had talked to this guy several times and we decided to meet and go out for pizza and drinks, unfortunately I didn’t tell him I wasn’t eating out or drinking yet, poor him. LOL. We met up and chatted for what must have been 3 hours at the restaurant. He was wasted as the night wound down and I decided I should drop him off at his place because he doesn’t have a car (red light number one I know). He wanted to get a bottle of something to finish the night off, so we walked across the street where he bought a bottle of what I think was a house whiskey…I’m sure it was delicious, LOL. So, we got back to his apt and can I tell you I fell in LOVE with his place, 10th floor overlooking downtown Des Moines, breathtaking. He then decided to drink all the alcohol. This is no exaggeration. He literally drank everything in his house and began to pour his heart and soul out to me (red light number two). He talked forever and then asked if I would suck him off. What?!? Mother fucker you just told me about how your mom and grandma passed away and then you tried to use any sympathy I may have to ask me for a bj… oh hell no bitch…hell no! He said it was all right because he needed to get his valtrex prescription refilled (red light number three, check please). I can’t tell you the shit that was running through my mind. You brought me to your apt, to ask my mouth to meet your cash and prizes and then let it slip that you have herpes. Thank gawd that I always have a contingency plan waiting for just such an emergency. He went to the bathroom to vomit and I set my phone to ring, I answered and had a fake conversation with no one. I declared I had to go and save my straight boyfriend from his shrew of an ex, thus saving my face from a smattering of the herps. Poor him, LOL.

My second date wasn’t any better, I met guy number two at the bar (red light number one I know). I didn’t get his number and I left to go home and sleep. It was about a week later I was out with a bunch of friends that I asked for his number, I texted him and asked if he would like to go and see Scream 4. He was in, and I was super excited. Like 16 year old girl going to her first dance excited, I’m sure if you ask the right people they will say I squealed. So I went to his place and met him and his dog, which was adorable. I really started to see something happening with this guy, he was smart, my age, attractive, been through a weight gain and then loss, and knew how to work hard to achieve what he wanted, until he asked if I smoked. I replied that I don’t smoke cigarettes, they made me ill. He laughed, I laughed, the dog rolled over, it was a hoot until he took out his one hitter. Are you fucking kidding me? Is there anyone left who doesn’t do some kind of drug. My heart sank. Well, that was second red light, actually my third. The second red light was the man’s dog. This poor poor thing was about 50 pounds overweight. I was there when he fed the dog, a bowl of kibble, chicken breast, rice, a jar of chicken gravy, and beef jerky. Are you kidding me, really? After he told me about his struggles with his weight, it dawned on me that he is still over eating, vicariously through his dog. We left and went to the movie, I was excited, but he started to freak out, I’m sure because of the pot. He paid for the movie and told me as we went in he read all the spoilers online so he wouldn’t be surprised. I’m furious at this point, why the fuck did you even agree to go see the movie with me if you read who the killer was online. HOT FUCKING MESS. He then pretended to be petrified of the movie and had to leave several times so he wouldn’t freak out…I’m sure pot related. I love movies, I love music, and I love to have fun. Three things this boy obviously did not have in common with me. We got back to his place and we chatted. Ungh, I’m tired of chatting. He told me all of his secrets about his family, himself, and his past relationships. He let me know that he wasn’t looking for a relationship, but he was kind of sort of seeing this bi guy. I was done and over it at this point, I wanted to say, “Really, you’re 33 year old pot smoker, you overeat through your dog, and you’re in a relationship with a guy who will ultimately leave you, because honey…a “bi” guy will always choose pussy over your butthole” but I held my tongue. He served me a cheese filled breadstick as a consolation prize, and I left. OBNOXIOUS. I saw him a week later at the garden, he followed me around like I was supposed to be into him, I wasn’t.

The third date I went on was with the first guy, in June. I know what you are thinking, why did you give him a second chance. Well, don’t we all wish we had a second chance at something? I met up with him at the garden where he let me know he had already been drinking but he had taken a ho bath. I had no idea what a ho bath was, but he was overtly pleased to let me know. It’s when you wash your face, pits, and cash and prizes. It’s like giving the people the illusion that you are clean. Awesome. So, we went inside and I bought him a shot of descent whiskey, I blinked and he was obliterated and belligerent. WTF was I thinking. He didn’t want to be at the garden anymore, so we left and went to the saddle. They had male strippers that night, and those poor straight strippers looked like deer in headlights, the funniest thing I had seen in a minute. So he had more booze and started getting texts on his phone from a guy who was creeping on him in the bar. He wanted to know who I was. Awesome I just got stuck in the middle of something. He bought me a lap dance to distract me and the poor stripper man freaked out so I sent him away. So he got incredibly uncomfortable with the texts he was receiving, and we went next door where he decided to have a couple more drinks. After a twenty minute conversation of what can only be described as Courtney Love’s stream of consciousness, he decided to pick a fight with two boys who were waiting in line to sing the karaoke. Why would he want to pick a fight with a couple of guys who wanted to sing? I’m glad you asked it was because they were skinnier than he was. Right, bat shit crazy. I decided I was ready to go, and I offered to take him home. He declined but hobbled me to my car. I said good night and when I turned around he was gone. Completely disappeared. Pulled a fucking Houdini on me. I found out later he went back into the karaoke bar and picked a fight with the kids. He got yelled at by the bar tender and went into the bathroom, where he passed out on the floor until they kicked him out at close. Over it.

So, of all the things that I have learned through my experiences with these two guys, it is these simple things. Men, especially gay men are just as fucking crazy as women. There is a ratio of pretty to bat shit crazy any one person can handle. This ratio is directly proportional, the prettier the person the more insane the person is. People will tell me things whether I want to know them or not. That is just who I am, I’m a listener, and when someone listens, people talk, about everything. I’ve learned that I should follow my gut instincts when it comes to second chances, and I shouldn’t give them, and then I should run away from that person.

Disclaimer: If you have, by some chance fallen upon this blog, and you are one of the two guys mentioned above, I say this…”no, this ain’t about you baby, I promise.”