Steampunk FTW

My costume this year is going to be fantastic, I'm super excited and ready to wear it now I'm making it myself this year, and I have to say the satisfaction I'm getting from making my own costume is fantastic. I'm dressing in the style of steam punk. It’s kind of a Victorian era mixed with the designs from the industrial revolution. Imagine Sherlock Holmes starring Robert Downey Jr. if you have not seen this check it out. I will be posting some pics once I get them uploaded online.

I may actually start selling the pins I'm making to cover the buttons on my jacket, they are endearing and charming. I LOVE THEM.

Get it under control gurl!

So I preached a couple weeks ago about control and balance, how I wanted to get back on track and find my weight loss mojo again. Did that happen? Hell to the no. I have struggled. I feel like I’m under so much pressure. I have 2 jobs, one job my boss just came back from FMLA and I reasserting her authority (poorly in case you wanted to know), and my second job there seems to be an increasing amount of responsibility with no communication about it. I’m on the brink of a fight with my mother with her inappropriate comments at the most inopportune times possible. The passing of my grandfather was a big stressor last week. I’m consistently tired, but when I’m not sleeping or working, I'm drinking to stay calm. I wish I was independently wealthy so I could crawl under a rock and sleep for a month or two but c’est la vie.
So this week I'm starting off slow to regain balance in my life. I'm not drinking soda with caffeine and working out every other day. I tried two weeks ago jumping back into everything and over compensated with heavy drinking on the weekend. I feel I need to take small steps to ensure my success, and cutting out the regular soda and diet soda with caffeine is a good jumping point. Let me just make a side note here, I have the worst caffeine withdrawal headache and if I was a surgeon I would surgery you for some soda…surgery you to death LOL. Once I make it to Wednesday without caffeine I should be fine. Those Monster drinks, even the diet ones are ridiculous. I have decided that I am going to drink on Saturday the night of the Halloween party, and then I will not drink again until New Years Eve. It will definitely be a trial but I know it’s something I can accomplish. Short term goals for the win.
I have found two new workout partners, actually three, two for after work and one at work who committed to running the IMT half marathon October 2012. I have to say I'm totally stoked about it.
So in closing, I recommend this…baby steps bitch, baby steps. Patience is a virtue, a cliché yes but still applicable in my and many other peoples’ lives.

Three ghastly dates with two atrocious people.

So I have decided to catch people up on my life and what I’m doing. Well, in this case not doing. I’m not dating right now, I like to say I’m getting back to me, but in all honesty I can’t handle the whores, lies, and all around bat shit craziness of the people I’ve dated in the last couple months.

My first “date” in over 13 years was back in February of 2011. I write “date” in quotes because gawd damn he was a hawt mess. I had talked to this guy several times and we decided to meet and go out for pizza and drinks, unfortunately I didn’t tell him I wasn’t eating out or drinking yet, poor him. LOL. We met up and chatted for what must have been 3 hours at the restaurant. He was wasted as the night wound down and I decided I should drop him off at his place because he doesn’t have a car (red light number one I know). He wanted to get a bottle of something to finish the night off, so we walked across the street where he bought a bottle of what I think was a house whiskey…I’m sure it was delicious, LOL. So, we got back to his apt and can I tell you I fell in LOVE with his place, 10th floor overlooking downtown Des Moines, breathtaking. He then decided to drink all the alcohol. This is no exaggeration. He literally drank everything in his house and began to pour his heart and soul out to me (red light number two). He talked forever and then asked if I would suck him off. What?!? Mother fucker you just told me about how your mom and grandma passed away and then you tried to use any sympathy I may have to ask me for a bj… oh hell no bitch…hell no! He said it was all right because he needed to get his valtrex prescription refilled (red light number three, check please). I can’t tell you the shit that was running through my mind. You brought me to your apt, to ask my mouth to meet your cash and prizes and then let it slip that you have herpes. Thank gawd that I always have a contingency plan waiting for just such an emergency. He went to the bathroom to vomit and I set my phone to ring, I answered and had a fake conversation with no one. I declared I had to go and save my straight boyfriend from his shrew of an ex, thus saving my face from a smattering of the herps. Poor him, LOL.

My second date wasn’t any better, I met guy number two at the bar (red light number one I know). I didn’t get his number and I left to go home and sleep. It was about a week later I was out with a bunch of friends that I asked for his number, I texted him and asked if he would like to go and see Scream 4. He was in, and I was super excited. Like 16 year old girl going to her first dance excited, I’m sure if you ask the right people they will say I squealed. So I went to his place and met him and his dog, which was adorable. I really started to see something happening with this guy, he was smart, my age, attractive, been through a weight gain and then loss, and knew how to work hard to achieve what he wanted, until he asked if I smoked. I replied that I don’t smoke cigarettes, they made me ill. He laughed, I laughed, the dog rolled over, it was a hoot until he took out his one hitter. Are you fucking kidding me? Is there anyone left who doesn’t do some kind of drug. My heart sank. Well, that was second red light, actually my third. The second red light was the man’s dog. This poor poor thing was about 50 pounds overweight. I was there when he fed the dog, a bowl of kibble, chicken breast, rice, a jar of chicken gravy, and beef jerky. Are you kidding me, really? After he told me about his struggles with his weight, it dawned on me that he is still over eating, vicariously through his dog. We left and went to the movie, I was excited, but he started to freak out, I’m sure because of the pot. He paid for the movie and told me as we went in he read all the spoilers online so he wouldn’t be surprised. I’m furious at this point, why the fuck did you even agree to go see the movie with me if you read who the killer was online. HOT FUCKING MESS. He then pretended to be petrified of the movie and had to leave several times so he wouldn’t freak out…I’m sure pot related. I love movies, I love music, and I love to have fun. Three things this boy obviously did not have in common with me. We got back to his place and we chatted. Ungh, I’m tired of chatting. He told me all of his secrets about his family, himself, and his past relationships. He let me know that he wasn’t looking for a relationship, but he was kind of sort of seeing this bi guy. I was done and over it at this point, I wanted to say, “Really, you’re 33 year old pot smoker, you overeat through your dog, and you’re in a relationship with a guy who will ultimately leave you, because honey…a “bi” guy will always choose pussy over your butthole” but I held my tongue. He served me a cheese filled breadstick as a consolation prize, and I left. OBNOXIOUS. I saw him a week later at the garden, he followed me around like I was supposed to be into him, I wasn’t.

The third date I went on was with the first guy, in June. I know what you are thinking, why did you give him a second chance. Well, don’t we all wish we had a second chance at something? I met up with him at the garden where he let me know he had already been drinking but he had taken a ho bath. I had no idea what a ho bath was, but he was overtly pleased to let me know. It’s when you wash your face, pits, and cash and prizes. It’s like giving the people the illusion that you are clean. Awesome. So, we went inside and I bought him a shot of descent whiskey, I blinked and he was obliterated and belligerent. WTF was I thinking. He didn’t want to be at the garden anymore, so we left and went to the saddle. They had male strippers that night, and those poor straight strippers looked like deer in headlights, the funniest thing I had seen in a minute. So he had more booze and started getting texts on his phone from a guy who was creeping on him in the bar. He wanted to know who I was. Awesome I just got stuck in the middle of something. He bought me a lap dance to distract me and the poor stripper man freaked out so I sent him away. So he got incredibly uncomfortable with the texts he was receiving, and we went next door where he decided to have a couple more drinks. After a twenty minute conversation of what can only be described as Courtney Love’s stream of consciousness, he decided to pick a fight with two boys who were waiting in line to sing the karaoke. Why would he want to pick a fight with a couple of guys who wanted to sing? I’m glad you asked it was because they were skinnier than he was. Right, bat shit crazy. I decided I was ready to go, and I offered to take him home. He declined but hobbled me to my car. I said good night and when I turned around he was gone. Completely disappeared. Pulled a fucking Houdini on me. I found out later he went back into the karaoke bar and picked a fight with the kids. He got yelled at by the bar tender and went into the bathroom, where he passed out on the floor until they kicked him out at close. Over it.

So, of all the things that I have learned through my experiences with these two guys, it is these simple things. Men, especially gay men are just as fucking crazy as women. There is a ratio of pretty to bat shit crazy any one person can handle. This ratio is directly proportional, the prettier the person the more insane the person is. People will tell me things whether I want to know them or not. That is just who I am, I’m a listener, and when someone listens, people talk, about everything. I’ve learned that I should follow my gut instincts when it comes to second chances, and I shouldn’t give them, and then I should run away from that person.

Disclaimer: If you have, by some chance fallen upon this blog, and you are one of the two guys mentioned above, I say this…”no, this ain’t about you baby, I promise.”

Starting over...again

It’s funny where we find ourselves sometimes, picking up from where we left off three months earlier. My life and weight loss have stalled once again, unfortunately I’m the only one to blame. I would like to point fingers, but I know it’s because I wanted to have some fun, and boy did I. I do feel like I'm in mourning for something or someone I have lost. Lost friendships perhaps, I'm not sure. Still it’s no excuse. So, I'm writing now as a therapeutic means of expression, and nothing more, so if my words find you, and help to motivate or inspire you, then hurrah. If not, then oh well, I didn't write this for you. LOL.

I won't have any accurate numbers for my weight until wed night. Once I weigh in I will post and then I am committing to posting once a week mostly because I need to be accountable to someone, and I guess I'm coming to terms with the fact that the only person I can truly be accountable to is myself.

I am currently working two jobs, one in financial aid and one at a new themed restaurant. I have to say I didn't think I would like working at the restaurant but I do. I like it more so than my regular full time job. I like the fact that I'm not bound to a desk, devoid of human contact and supervising a group of good kids. I have to say that working there and the ease of availability of food has contributed to my most recent weight gain of about 18 pounds, not that much in the grand scheme of things mind you, but still a significant weight gain in only a matter of weeks. I have stopped eating the food and started packing my supper. I spent my entire Sunday morning off, cooking and prepping food the week only to have to go to work and do it all over again. The definition of irony.

My birthday week was also a hoot. I turned 33 this year; well I've been telling everyone that I'm turning 25 for the 9th and final time, which has a double meaning. I went out more than I wanted to and spent a couple hundred dollars, lol. Oh well I had a good time and MISSION ACCOMPLISHED (for those of you who know what that means, you'll get a giggle). I did go out 6 days in a row on my bday week, a little excessive in hindsight, but I haven't had a bday party in years.

So once again I make the declaration that I will no longer be eating out or drinking until I lose all of the weight I have gained in the last 8 weeks. I will continue to pack my lunches even though several people freaked out because I did so. Get over it bitches.

We All Go A Little Crazy Sometimes

Went out on day 58, never again will I drink that much. I think it was my pre-St. Patrick’s Day party, but I was the only one who knew about the festivity. I did shot after shot, and 2-for-1’s not my best plan. I had a great time and do not regret anything I did. I did get so tore up that I had to leave my car in Cedar Rapids on Friday night, I haven’t been that drunk in a very long time, and it felt good to let go and have fun. As the bar closed, I kept punching my friends yelling for Cheetos. We stopped at the gas station and as my friend went in, some drunk fool (not me, someone new) tried to climb into the passenger seat with me. Like actually sitting on my lap and trying to fasten the seat belt. I should have grabbed him and started yelling “I CAUGHT ME A MAN!!!” In a fit of panic I freaked out and was all “OMG WHAT R U DOING???” He left after that, and so did we, hilarious. We got back to my friends house and we both opened the car doors at the same time and a bunch of his papers flew out of the car, I ran after them and my pants fell down. Picture it, me in the parking lot of an apartment building, chasing receipts with my pants down around my ankles. I was a mess, and I ate horrible that following Sunday, day 60 and Tuesday, day 62.

Let me tell you I was expecting horrible numbers on the scale. I expected to gain at least 2 pounds. Why did I expect such a large gain on day 63…let me just say I ate out at 3 different restaurants the day before. I know Tues was a bad day for me, but I don’t regret it because it was good and it satisfied my cravings. Well, until Friday morning, day 65 I was running late to work and decided to get BK Lounge for breakfast. Which is stoopid because I keep cereal and milk at work for my b-fasts. This fast food is killing me, I could feel it messing up my system, but it tastes good. I haven’t ate out since Friday morning, but I could sure tell that I was stress eating.

Then, I went insane on Thurs and picked a fight with a good friend, for no other reason than I went crazy. I deleted her from my life, she wrote me an e-mail, and brought me back to reality. I apologized, and hope everything is ok. I’m sure if we lived closer she would have bitch slapped me a la Joan Collins. Only because I needed it mind you, but it would have been all very Dynasty. Drama where ever I go, I’m starting to realize that I seem to create most of it. So, to deal with all that I eat, because I wanted to, or subconsciously I wanted to pick a fight so I could rationalize in my mind that it was ok to stress eat. I made some bad choices this past weekend, and it is entirely possible that the scale will show it. Though I didn’t use nearly as many points as I did the previous weekend because I didn’t drink.

I have been working out, well walking. I walked last wed, thurs, and fri, and this mon. I didn’t walk yesterday because I forgot my id, and they would not let me in. I like to work out on a dreadmill, I mean treadmill, because I can control the speed and the incline. I used to hate working out, I would make jokes that I would rather be water boarded than work out, but now I kind of like it, I use up some of the pent up energy that I have. I do have a horrible story about working out…well horribly funny. Monday I jumped on treadmill 3 and started going. As a bigger guy I noticed right away that the belt was slipping, so I jumped off and moved to number 2. Well this girl showed up and got on number 3 and started going. I was under the assumption that the belt was slipping because I was larger and my weight was making it stick. LOL NOPE. She started going, and it slipped, and bit it. She fell on her ass and slid right off, she was looking at me like I was supposed to not laugh and help her up. Well, let me tell you that if I would have gotten off that treadmill I would not have gotten back on. Its hard for big girl to slow down once we get momentum. Am I right ladies?

So what was the result last week, the scales tipped that’s for sure. They tipped in my favor. I lost 1.4 pounds, bringing my total weight lost to 31.6 pounds. I was astonished, how could I have drank so much and eaten out that much with no repercussions. It dawned on me that the scales may catch up to me this week which is unfortunate, I really do not want to gain, but if I do I know that I ate out, stress ate and drank like a fish, and I cannot do those things if I want to be able to walk out of my pants.

Day 54 take 2: Out with the supplements.

I don’t know what I was thinking, all of a sudden I remembered an episode of Family Ties or some 80 sitcom where one of the characters kept eating Flintstone’s Chewable Vitamins to get healthy and they ate so much their hair started to fall out. So I decided…I don’t know why to look up harmful side effects of Zinc and Vitamin C, I was shocked.

Zinc. I read that taking too much zinc can actually weaken the immune system, interfere with absorption of other minerals and lower HDL. In large doses, it can interfere with white blood cells and other defense systems that fight against infections and cancers. Umm, I threw that schitt out. I don’t need those problems I get plenty of reg zinc in the foods I eat, and in the daily men’s multivitamin

Vitamin C. Was just a crazy, I read this about my poor Vit C. Although too much vitamin C from your diet is unlikely to harm you, megadoses of vitamin C supplements can cause nausea, diarrhea, kidney stones and inflammation of the stomach lining (gastritis). I threw that out too, I know from other people's experience that kidney stones are painful. They were expired anyway. LOL.

Im afraid to look up any more.

Day 54: Work it out.

Back to cereal for breakfast, and soup for lunch, I can already feel the hunger pangs for lunch and I think that people are cooking food already at 10:40 I smell egg rolls…are you kidding me right now. Ridiculous. I have decided that I need to start working out. I have lost almost 30 pounds on diet alone and I feel that I am hitting a plateau with my weight loss. I need to start exercising. Everyone who knows me knows, I would rather lick the passenger seat in my car than work out but I think that is in time to start moving. I can’t stay this flabby mess of fat forever. I talked to a co-worker today and asked if I could go walking with her at lunch and she said yes, she would love to have me go. Great, I thought, I brought my shoes and am ready to go when you are. I have an absolute fear of working out, I afraid that I’m too big, that I am so out of shape I will keel over and die, that I will fall and break a hip, LOL. You laugh, be these are my serious concerns; I need to start working out because these are serious concerns. I am 31 years old and I should not be worrying about breaking a hip it’s dumb.